[The Two Fates]

Chapter 6: Of Pikachus and dragon wings, purple beasts and other things

From: Jon
To: Chad
Subject: An epic storyline spanning the continents, and perhaps even the bounds of reality! (or at least believability)
Date: Mon, 20 Sep 1999 23:32:37 -0400

This has got to be one of the most absolutely fun and creative things I've ever done... I was in la-la land at work today, thinking about what to do. You ready for this C-Bone? Here's what I've come up with after a whole day of thinking... Oh, what do you think of switching over to third person, calling ourselves Chad and Jonathan instead of I and you... Makes grammar cleaner, but it would almost be as fun to refer to each other using pronouns, just as a writing exercise, to see how good we can make it sound as is. All this doesn't really mean anything, anyways, as I'm just thinking aloud. I'm gonna continue using I and You instead of 3rd person names for this installment... Oh, and I had to take a _tiny_ bit of poetic license with your evil headquarters and such, but I figure if they can do it with the Good Book (Prince of Egypt anyone?), I can do it here.

The Two Fates, part 6 (Ideas for a better title?)

Thinking quickly as the dragon swoops in for the kill, I toss a lightbomb into the air. It chirps once menacingly then detonates, releasing an unbearable flash of light. The dragon is temporarily blinded and I dodge behind a boulder. When it regains it's sight, it cannot see me anywhere, and so begins sniffing around the canyon (apparently, we were in a canyon. That's what I imagined anyway) hoping to find me that way. I unshoulder my backpack (wait a minute... I wasn't wearing a backpack as a Super-Saiyan!?!? Fluid reality, gotta love it :) ) and open the flap. Two long yellow ears pop out, listening to the huge beast on the other side of the boulder. I then raise the bag over my head and say four of the most dreaded words in pop culture today. "Pikachu, I choose YOU!" (complete with anime background effects). The yellow creature darts out from my bag and around the boulder, eager to fight and vanquish the dragon. Staying hidden so the dragon won't suspect Pikachu is anything more than just a curious animal, I listen to the battle. First there is a Pokemon battle cry and a great spark, then the dragon roars and a hot wind sweeps over my face. I see the dragon fly off into the sky for an aerial search. A moment later, Pikachu dashes around the rock, screaming and with tail aflame. I decide a different approach would be wise. After extinguishing Pikachu I rummage around in my pack and find what I was looking for, an ornate red candle, about a foot long. I put Pikachu back in my pack and boldly walk out from behind the rock, yelling at the dragon to get his attention. He whirls around from his position further up the canyon and dives down till he is sweeping along the canyon floor, flaming madly and ready to consume me with one bite. When he is a hundred yards away, I give the candle a mighty heave, which, lit by the dragons fiery exhaust, flies down his throat. The dragon instantly turns to stone and the now statue skids to a stop in front of me (this is an _OLD_ reference. Know where it's from?). Wiping the sweat from my brow, I wonder how I will find you and your evil hideout (or possibly multiple hideouts).

Suddenly, there is a stirring in the rubble left by my spirit bomb. Jerry Lawler's hand pushes aside some rocks and his head pokes through a pile of stone. Only, something is wrong with him, more than just being hit by a spirit bomb. His skin is torn in places, and his face doesn't quite fit onto his head right. To top it off, he's crying out for sugar. No, wait, I misheard, he wants Saccharine. Suddenly, he sees me. He turns a shade of purple and screams "You will pay for that!". In a more controlled manner than Jerrys, I holler "Try me, punk". Suddenly, his face begins to swell, and it splits in half. Emerging as if from a cocoon or a bad suit is a rotund purple form that looks sickeningly familiar. "Hoily Sh*t!!! Jerry Lawler is really a genetically engineered Barney!" (everyone knows that the real one is just some guy in a plush combat exoskeleton, a la Bubblegum Crisis). Inwardly, a sinister smile crosses my mind. A plan is beginning to form. "No, fool", he states, "I was merely posing as Jerry so I could take over the WWF!". Pikachu is wriggling around inside my backpack and begging to be allowed to handle this one. Seeing as how I got his tail burned pretty badly earlier, I open the bag and let him have at the purple freak of science. Gleefully skipping around the beast and dodging his clumsy attacks, Pikachu (somewhat sadistically) shocks him over and over 'till he faints (d*mn, can't stuff him in a pokeball now). Pressing a couple of hidden buttons on my wristwatch, I watch as my jet black helicopter sweeps over the wall of the canyon and lands closeby (hey, Batman did it). I proceed to bind the purple abomination with rope from the copter, and Pikachu (tho he wasn't much help, really) and I drag him over to the copter. As I am struggling to get the limp lizard (Men in Tights!) aboard, I notice an indistinct figure sulking in the shadows of a nearby overhang. Recognizing the silhouette, I finish lifting Barney into the copter. Then I take a creature out of the onboard cooler that appears to be some cross between a chicken and a frog, and tie it with more rope just inside the cargo door. I see the shadowy figure dash toward the copter under cover of overhangs and boulders, until he is within ten feet of the door. Suddenly, something soft and wet shoots out from behind the rock and wraps around the chicken-toad. I slam the door quickly, and a muffled scream can be heard from outside. I take off and head toward the states with full afterburner, a dark form hanging suspended from something sticking out the side of the copter.

Many hours and a couple hundred times as many miles later finds me over the Atlantic ocean, the lights of New York City glaring in the distance. I set the helicopter to hover and proceed to the back, where I open the cargo door. The object hanging from the door suddenly ceases to hang and instead plummets toward the ocean. It hits with a splash of meteoric proportions. On the surface of the water, all is still. Suddenly, the calm is broken by a stream of bubbles, and Jar-Jar Binks splutters to the surface, unhappily rubbing his incredibly sore tongue, and only partially consoled by the fact that he had managed to get the chicken-toad after all.

A few minutes of flying later finds me hovering over the world headquarters of Chadco (for lack of a better name, at the moment), your worldwide corporate conglomerate that only I and a few others outside your organization know is really a front for an unknown amount of illegal, and sometimes just downright evil, activity. Barney is awake now, and he asks "Where are we, what are you going to do to me?". I reply "You'll see". Suddenly, he screams "NOOOOOOO!", and the camera cuts to elsewhere.

Dawn. The French maid who cleans your office at the top of Chadco world headquarters opens the door to begin her cleaning duties. The sun is blazing through the east window, and a large object in the middle of the window blots out part of the light. She moves closer to see what it is. Suddenly, she screams and runs out of the office, screaming for security.

Deep within one of your evil hideouts, Brittany looks up from her now empty breakfast plate. She says "Thanks for the food", and begins chatting amicably with you (look that one up. Not _exactly_ sure what it means, eh heh). Suddenly, the cell phone clipped to your side cuts her off in mid sentence, chirping insistently. "You'd better get over to your office at Chadco. There's something interesting there for you." says your chief lackey/assistant through the phone. You say "Sorry, my dear, but something's come up at the office. You'll have to excuse me," and dash out of the room.

You walk with a bit of a swagger down the short hallway from the elevator to your gigantic twenty foot across double oak panel door and press your thumb against the ID plate. While the scanner verifies your fingerprint and vital signs, you reflect on the events of the last two days. The only man in the world who could possibly put an end to your evil operations, Jon Keim, has either been eaten, or at least has absolutely no idea where to begin hunting for you. And even if he finds you, he still can't touch you because of your hostage, and the wristband you're wearing that will keep her alive only as long as your heart is beating. As the door swings open, you smile extra widely because Brittany might have even been flirting with you.

Your assistant points your attention to the east window. Since the sun has risen more, you can clearly see the thing that caused your French maid's distress. Suspended in the middle of the window is a real _Barney_. No cheesy guys in cyber suits that would be too much like murder to kill here, it's the genuine genetically engineered and authenticated model. You motion to your assistant "Bring him in". While he scurries to do your bidding, you walk the thirty yards from the middle of the office to the window (big office), to inspect what has been so graciously left on your doorstep. The three things you notice just before this episode ends are that he's still alive, that there is a sign tied around his neck that reads "For Chad", and a thin black wristband with a flashing green light that he is wearing... What will you do? What will you do?

Yeesh. Long one, huh? It wasn't exactly ready by 10:30, tho... eh heh. Hope you enjoyed!

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