Here are some words to live by, don't tug on Superman's cape, don't spit into the wind, don't pull the mask off of the Lone Ranger, and don't mess with the Acolytes' beer ("Good Ol' J.R." Jim Ross). The last one appears to be the most important.
The Two Fates Chapter 11: Part E: Of Course You Know, This Means War.
Dusk. The sun is slowly setting in the west. I stand on a cliff next to an armored truck and a beautiful red haired woman in a tattered loin cloth, halter top, and gold jewelry (Demona in human form). Behind us are several more trucks surrounded by snarling Velocibarneys.
Far below the cliff, a large, flat plain complex. Plain, except for the "Barney" logo in big, purple letters, and several fat, purple dinosaurs guarding the complex.
"Why haven't they picked us up on their scanners?" Demona wonderd.
"They don't have any," I muse. "They have advanced technology, but their laugh isn't the only thing about them that's dopey. They rely mostly on their brute strength and amazing numbers. As well as child psycology. Or just child-like psycology."
"Well that's peachy," Shouts a voice from the truck. " So when do I get to hurt things?"
"Patience, Spike," I say. "Do you want to be a chared pile of dust?" Then I pull a small communicator from my pocket. I turn it on to see the faces of the mad doctors, Mindbender and Sevarius. "Report," I command.
"Xamot and Tomax have returned," Mindbender said, proud of his comrades. "The Decepticon strike against the A.R.C.A. operatives has been sucessfully deployed. Jon will soon be dead, and the alien will soon be ours. But I still have to wonder about your desision to destroy New York."
"In my experience, it's always best to have a back up plan," I say. "Jon has the annoying habit of surviving my attacks. He will be detained and injured, hopefully severely. But there is still a chance he will servive. The bomb in New York is a back-up. He'll be so busy he'll woun't have any idea that we were here until it is far too late. As for the bomb itself, it's little more than an over grown alarm clock. It will still explode, but it's not nuclear. It will only destroy the building it sits upon. That's still enough to kill many, but after all, were's the fun in an empty threat."
"Brilliant," Sevarius exclamed (He has a knack for sucking up). "Also, I'd like to add, the fight in the hanger is over. Both of the combatants have died of blood loss and fatigue. I was wondering--"
"Take as many blood samples as you like," I interupt his pathetic attempt at begging. "Just have the hanger cleaned before I get back. Tasha wouldn't enjoy cleaning that mess."
"Oh yes. Far be it for her to do any work around here," Sevarius mummbled under his breath.
"What was that?" I say feighing ignorance. (I love my thesaurus!)
"Good," I say. "Just have reports on the genetic samples you take ready for me to review later. As well the special one I gave you."
"Right," Sevarius says as he leaves the screen. A door is heard in the background.
"Now," I say to Dr. Mindbender. "What about our new allies?"
"General Draxx, as well as Starscream, is cloaked and awaiting your signal."
"Excelent. It's almost showtime," I say right before I shut off my communicator and turn to see the sun slowly sink below the horizen.
Demona started to groan in pain as her transformation to a gargoyle began. Her skin turned light blue, discusting shifting noises are heard as her internal bone structure and musle tone changed, and wings and a tail ripped out from her back.
"Aw. I missed it," Spike moaned as he opened the door of the truck and leaped out. "I love it when she does that kinky 'wing-sprouty' bit."
"Yes, well, too bad," I say handing them both a laser rifle. "It's time to ATTACK!!!" As soon as I gave the signal about half a dozen "Bus-sized" Dark Angel ships faded into exsistance in the dark sky above the Barney's complex. Starscream, himself, starts the attack by diving toward the complex and blasting it with his powerful lasers. He transforms and maliciously blasts several of the Barney guards. Laughing all the while.
Dark Angel soldiers flew from each of the hovering ships. They landed on the ground and shot, stabed, sliced, and did everything they could to destroy the seemingly endless hordes of Barneys that came from inside the complex. They were soon joined by sevaral Velocibarneys that storm out of the Dark Angel ships when they land., as well as the ones from the trucks on the cliff. The new breed of Velocibarney were now a match for the Barney warriors.
I am soon joined by General Draxx and Eve on the cliff.
"This seems a bit too easy," Draxx says obviously board. "I would have thought your enemies would be a little more difficult to destroy."
"We caught them totally off guard," I inform the general. "Besides they are mearly defeated. The Barney have bases and strong holds all over the world. We just traced the dragon balls here."
"Yeah," Spike says impatiently. "Like I said, 'When do I get to hurt things?'"
"I gave you a gun," I tell him. "Use it."
"I really prefer to get 'down and dirty' when I fight." Spike informs me. "You know? I like my killing to be 'hands-on'."
"Soon," I promise him. "As for now, that's an experimental gun I gave you. Why don't you see if it works?"
"Alright," A board Spike said as he took aim and fired. A large purple bolt leaped from the gun and struck a Barney soldier. The Barney screamed an inhuman, goofy, yell, as he melted into a chared pile of smoking, purple goo.
"That was kinda fun," Spike said with a smile. "It looks like this gun works pretty well."
"Not really," I say with a sigh. "It's supposed to desintigrate them." Spike and I start at each other than burst out laughing as he rains "melting death" upon several more Barneys.
"Okay," I command the group standing before me. "You all know what to do."
Without another command Demona lifts Spike and Draxx carries Eve as they both spread thier wings and glide down to the enterence of the Barney base. They all mercilessly slaughtered any Barneys unlucky enough to be in their way as they entered the complex.
Inside the complex, the B-Rex robot sat in his throne room. The nearly two-story electronic Barney/T-Rex looked to the corner in worry. In the corner three of the five stolen dragon balls sat on a table next to a tied, gagged, and injured Aurther Smyte. Fortunately, the B-Rex is experiencing "technical difficulties".
"We're WHAT?!?" He screams at a subordinate's report.
"Losing, Master," The small scout Barney answers in his dopey voice. "We've already sent out all available Scouts and Warriors, and they are failing to keep away the enemy. We are all that's left."
"Then go out there!" The B-Rex commanded in a digitized dopey voice.
"That will not be necessary," Draxx announces as he steps into the throne room, followed by Eve, Demona, and Spike. "We're more than happy to bring the battle here to you."
"What do you want?" The B-Rex belowed.
"The dragon balls you stole and Smyte returned," Eve threatens, aiming her laser rifle. "Now!"
"Over my deactivated body!" B-Rex retorted.
"You don't understand, mate," Spike smiled as his face swithed to 'demon mode'. "That's exactly the point."
Meanwhile, outside the compound, I wade through the bodies of dead or dying Barneys. Several of them make a funny laugh/groan when I step on them. I almost can't keep from laughing out loud. The body of a Velocibarney or Dark Angel is found every few dozen feet or so, but their loss is insignificent. Suddenly, a loud crash catches my attention. I turn towards the complex to see an out of control, two-story robot dinosaur flying strait for me at breakneck speed. Followed much more slowly by Draxx, Spike, Eve, and Smyte leaning on Demona. Reacting quickly, I give a shockingly powerful upper cut to the flying robot that sends him strait up into the starry sky, then crashing strait to the ground. As the dust clears I walk towards the battered, damaged robot. As I approch the B-Rex I smile and look down at his broken optic sensors.
"What was it you said to me the last time we met?" I mockingly ask my fallen foe. "'The next time you see me, it you will be on bended knee, hailing me as ruler of the world!' Well, O ruler," I sneer as I kneel beside the damaged B-Rex. "It looks like you've failed. The world? Please, you think too small. Soon I will rule everything, everywhere for all eternity. It's just to bad I'm not going to let you live to see it."
"Fool," The B-Rex managed to say. "You will rule nothing! You do not have all of the dragon balls! I sent two of them to other Barney bases! You'll never find them! And as for you destroying me, I think not! Even if you destroy this body, I have several more. My consiousness will travel to them and I will return stronger than ever! Of course...I still have a trump to play here."
"Is that so?" I say mocking concern. "And what might that be?"
"I'm not as damaged as you think I am!" The B-Rex shouted as he lept up and tried to crush me in his powerful, metal jaws. I dodged his attack, and quickly took off one of his legs with a force blast. As he falls to the ground I leapt up on his chest and took aim at his damaged head.
"And I, am not as weak as you think I am, you over grown coffee maker," I say as a force blast rips through the B-Rex's armor and resulting in an amazing explotion. I am, unfortunatly, not quick enough, and get caught in the blast. As the B-Rex's old body burns I slowly walk through the flames. My clothes are the only thing damaged. And the damage is only slight burns.
"D*nm," I mutter. "This suit was Italian." (Looks like you were right, Jon. [Jon's addendum: I had warned him not to wear a suit while fighting]) Then I turn to my assembled army. "Smyte," I say to my battered major domo. "Glad you survived."
"As am I, sir," Smyte replied. "I shall have a full report of all our activities within three hours."
"That's why I rescued you," I say proudly. "But still. Three hours. Your falling behind. Demona, take him back to base and see that he is given the proper medical attention and a DNA test."
"What's the matter?" Starscream sneers as Demona helps Smyte to the armored truck. "Don't you trust your own soldiers?"
"Of course I do," I angrily snapped at the insubordinate Decepticon. "But I must make sure that it is, indeed, him. And if you ever question my orders again, I'll have you stripped of your curcits, and use them to build a new video game system." Starscream shut up, at least for now.
"Decpetendo," Spike mused. "I like it!"
"I was thinking more along the lines of 'Starcast' or 'Dreamscream'," I confess. "But that works too."
"You will not win," a weak, syrupy voice shouts from behind us. I turn in surprize to see a Barney warrior crawling toward us. "Our master will win! We will rule the Earth! All will obey--" Spike rushes forward and knocks the Barney out with one punch.
"Thank you," I say to Spike. "Take him with us," I command Starscream. "He could prove useful. Plus, I've been waiting to see if our little 'project' will work." Starsream lifted the Barney like it was a dirty diaper and flew back to base with a discusted look on his face. "As for everyone else," I command. "Clean-up and head back to base." Spike and the remaining Velocibarneys start to head back to the trucks. The Dark Angels gathered around Eve and Draxx to await orders. "Well?" I ask.
"Return to Bloodstorm," Draxx commands his army, refurring to the Dark Angels' flagship orbiting Earth. "I will soon follow." He then turns to Eve. "Start my shuttle. I will be there shortly. Then we too, shall return to Bloodstorm. But first I have some buisness to discuss with my new ally." Eve saluted them and did as she was told. As soon as she was in the shuttle I turn to Draxx.
"Well?" I ask again.
"How many dragon balls did the Barneys steal from you?" Draxx asks, a hint of anger in his voice.
"Five," I answer.
"And how many did we recover today?" Draxx asks, the anger now obvious.
"Three," I answer in a dissapointed tone as I realize where he's going with this.
"Then we are still missing two!" Draxx shouts in rage. "We cannot rule the universe without all seven dragon balls."
"Your point?" I ask impatiently.
"My point," Draxx grows, an evil light filling his eyes as he stares at me. "Is that you had better find the missing dragon balls before I grow tired of waiting."
"I will find them," I assure Draxx. "Of that you can be sure. But Draxx," I say, anger filling my voice as I meet his gaze. "Never threaten me. Ever."
Draxx calms down, only slightly, as he turns and heads for his shuttle. "Contact me when you locate them," He says as he reaches his shuttle.
I watch it take off and dissappear into the night sky before I turn and head to the waiting trucks.
Not much time later, the captured Barney awakes in a dark room, a stinging pain in his jaw. I smack him across fat face once more.
"Hey," I shout in his face. "Wake up!" It's interrorgation time!" He tries in vain to attack as he finds his hands and feet have been chained to the wall.
"I will never talk," The Barney tries to sound bold in his dopey voice.
"Okay. But I have a confession to make," I say with a chuckle. "This isn't really an interrogation, but slow, agonizing, painful torture until you sream everything we want to know." I smile broadly as I back up and reveal a long conference table with various, pain causing objects. Steak knives, needlenose pliers, a garden weasel, an "N'Sync" CD, plus a variety of pointy objects that look like they came from an alien dentist's office. On the floor is one-third of an oil drum filled with burning coals and, by now, red hot pokers. Kneeling next to the drum is a quiet, tall, thin, and extremely pale man. "This is Marcus," I introduce the man as he stands, and walks towards the captive Barney. "He is considered, by many, to be the man (well, vampire, actually) who created torture."
"That's nice," The Barney smiled. "But he's dead."
"Oh," I say in mock surprize. "It's nice to know that the Barneys like to keep up on the occult. But you should also know that there are some ancient rituals, magic spells, and unorthidox scientific procedures that can be used to resurect dead humans and/or demons." I look at my watch as Marcus puts the "N'Sync" CD into the stereo. "Well, look at the time. I have other appointments, but Marcus will mix and match the five basic torture groups (Blunt, sharp, hot, cold, and loud. From the WB's Angel), as well as invent some others until he get's what I want out of you. Then he's been intructed to kill you as painfully as possible." Marcus pulls one of the hot pokers out of the burning coals and slowly walks towards the chained Barney. "Have a nice time you two," I say as I head towards the door. I leave to the sounds of "Bye, Bye, Bye" and inhuman screaming.
"Sir," A random human guard stands at attention as he sees me close the door.
"As soon as Smyte is out of recovery tell him to give me his report in my quarters," I tell the gaurd. "He has one and a half hours." The guard salutes and rushes off to do my bidding. "Now I'm starting to have fun."
I smile wickedly as I head to my quarters.
On a special note, The (what I belive to be) the season premeire of Buffy the Vampire Slayer will feature the legendary evil prince, Vlad the Impailer. (A.K.A. DRACULA!!!!!) Neat, huh? Well, now it's, finally, your turn.