Random wisdom and platitudes - the funny ones
Comments: Yessssss.... lol
I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's,(sent to me because I forwarded their e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken - which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC.
Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"
He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense.
Then, reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped around a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).
So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.
Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green m&ms, but if you don't the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get cancer from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your wife will develop breast cancer from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the government will put a tax on your e-mails forever. I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.
Comments: This is a silly email that a friend sent to me in light of my relocation to Arizona. Even tho I was in the mountains where it's MUCH cooler (think Colorado-style weather)
Just moved to Arizona. Now this is a state that knows how to live. Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air=conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshiper.
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to it? It is taking longer than I expected.
Fell asleep by the pool... the heat just wipes you out and makes you sleepy. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed two days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this.
I missed seeing Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swelled up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and excrement. No more pets in this heat.
Dry heat my butt. Hot is hot! the home air conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he had to order parts.
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1500 in darn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
115 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 90. I hate this state!
If another wise butt cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his throat out. Darn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted Tabby!
The weather report might as well be a darn recording: hot and sunny. It's been too hot for two darn months and the weather man says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren darn desert? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the #@*&$% pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat.
Welcome to Hades! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1500 house payment to bail me out of jail.
Worst darn day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon rains finally came and all they did was to make it muggier that hades. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we're moving to Montana for some peace, quiet and cool under 95)!!!!
Comments: This one was just too good to not put up.
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II will resume Monarchical duties over all states, Commonwealths and other territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy.) Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
Thank you for your co-operation.
Comments: Just for all those who think it isn't... this one is a JOKE
Years ago, CBS had a popular little series called GILLIGAN'S ISLAND. There is, however, a dark secret about this "comedy" you may never have realized. The island is a direct representation of HELL. Nobody on the island wants to be there, yet none are able to leave. Each one of the characters represents one of the 7 deadly sins:
........Crazy? He does wear red in every episode.
-- or --
One massive PHB (Pointy-Haired Boss) alert!
Comments: I'm not sure if these quotes are for real or not, and there's almost no way to verify 'em. But heck, they're funny anyway.
They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:
Comments: Wisdom comes in many forms. In this case, it's an acid.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at ex-lovers, and miss.
Cooking lesson #1: Don't fry bacon in the nude.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people in the eyes.
If you're not part of the solution, start another problem!
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kick boxing.
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
Comments: More good ones. No explaination needed, really. There's no good way to prove if they were actually published or not, but they're funny anyway.
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners.
All went well until he came to one house.
It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.
Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate.
Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10."
Upon opening his Bible to the passage, his face turned red, and he let out a roar of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 reads:
Genesis 3:10 reads: