“April,” J.R. nodded politely as the female commentator sat down at the table. “Thank you for joining us.”
“My pleasure J.R.,” April responded as she placed her headset over her short red hair.
“We missed you April!” King cried.
“Yeah, yeah,” A yawn sounded from Daffy. “How ya been?”
“The gang’s all here!”
“Hiroshi,” His fellow clone warned. “Sit down before I put you down.”
“The following match is for the EMW Dork Title!” The Announcer proclaimed. “The loser of this next match will henceforth be known as ‘The Universe’s Biggest Dork’! But here’s the catch folks! The title can be passed on to anyone at anytime! That’s right, 24-7! Through pin-fall, knockout, or submission, ANYONE can become the Biggest Dork in the Universe! So watch out!”
“Well that’s certainly unique,” April said.
“That’s the neatest idea for a title I’ve ever heard of!” King agreed.
“COOL!” Hiroshi cheered.
“How much did they pay you to say that?” Daisuke asked.
“Yeah,” Daffy snorted. “This is the lamest idea I’ve ever heard of!”
“Well,” J.R. said. “We’ll just have to wait and see how this title does over time.”
A majestic theme, similar to the workout montage from the “Rocky” movies, heralded the arrival of the first competitor.
A bald man with an impressively physique began walking down the entrance ramp wearing a red, white, and blue amateur wrestling unitard designed to look like a misguided tribute to the American flag. Even his boots and kneepads had the stars and stripes of Old Glory as he headed toward the ring, patriotic colored pyro flaring on the stage behind him.
“Making his way to the ring, from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, weighing in at 220 pounds, Kurt Angle!!!”
“YOU SUCK!” The fans cheerfully chanted in time to Kurt’s theme music. “YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK!”
“YOU SUCK!” Hiroshi cheerfully chanted along with the fans.
“How can you say that?!?” Daffy yelled. “He’s the best there is!!!”
“Yeah,” Hiroshi said. “But there’s no way he can beat Dan! Go Dan!”
“Oh yeah?” Daffy pondered. “How about a little wager? Fifty bucks says Kurt Angle can beat your boy!”
“You’re on, Duck!” Hiroshi said.
At that moment, Kurt entered the ring and immediately motioned for a microphone.
“First of all,” Kurt addressed the crowd of cheering fans. “I don’t suck! I’m an Olympic gold medallist!”
“That’s true,” April reported. “Kurt brought home the gold for Free-Style Wrestling in the 1996 Olympic Games.”
“As if he didn’t tell us that enough already,” J.R. complained about the arrogant wrestler.
But Kurt had more to say.
“What is the big freakin’ deal here?!?” Kurt ranted. “All of you must be just as angry as I am that your Olympic Hero has to fight some guy in a pink karate outfit and has a ponytail! Not only that, we’re in a match where the loser gets called the ‘Biggest Dork in the Universe’! Who the heck came up with this idea anyway?”
“Why doesn’t he just quite complaining and fight?” J.R. said.
“I don’t deserve to be in this match! I am not a dork!” Kurt continued to rant. “The real dorks are those people who spend all their money on Japanese cartoons and time wasting video games, then devote web sites to them! The only thing even dorkier is to spend time on message boards talking about them! Come on! Get a life people!”
“I think Kurt’s taking this a little too far,” J.R. said.
“Yeah!” Hiroshi shouted. “I’m not a dork!”
“That’s a matter of opinion, Cloney,” Daffy smirked.
“If anything should have a web site devoted to it,” Kurt continued to continue to rant. “It should be your Olympic Hero! Oh, it’s true! It’s true!”
Then the lights dimmed and took on a pink tint as a dramatic fanfare blasted from the speakers.
“Who is this superhero?”
“Is it [Ryu]?”
“Is it [Ken Masters]?”
“Is it [Dan Hibiki], mild-mannered [Master of Saikyo]?”
o/` [Dan Hi-biki]! Number One Super Guy!
[Dan Hi-biki]! Quicker Than the Human Eye!
He’s Got Style, a Groovy Smile, and a Bod That Just Won’t Stop!
When the Going Gets Rough, He’s Super Tough, With a [Saikyo] Chop! Hyaa! o/`
Dan appeared on the entrance stage and flexed his forearm at the crowd in own his classic taunt.
“Dan’s dubbed over the theme to ‘Hong Kong Phooey’ by Scatman Crothers,” Daisuke observed. “Somehow, that doesn’t surprise me.”
“And it fits!” Hiroshi cheered before he started to sing along.
“I swear I’m going to hurt him,” Daffy grumbled.
“Get in line,” Daisuke agreed.
“And his opponent,” The Announcer said. “Weighing 163 pounds, the master of his own self-taught Saikyo style of martial arts, Dan Hibiki!!!”
The man in the salmon pink gi, with the sleeves torn off in a manly way, marched to the ring.
“Kurt has an advantage in height, weight, skill, experience, and, unfortunately, intelligence,” April sighed. “Even with his very own fighting style, I don’t think Dan has much of a chance.”
“As always, it’s not the size of the dog in the fight,” J.R. mused. “But the size of the fight in the dog that counts!”
The pink-clad underdog climbed into the ring, tucked into a ball, and rolled to his opponent. Dan popped up right in front of Kurt, taunting with one arm and holding a custom pink microphone in the other (Even though the microphone clearly said “Barbie” on the side).
“I, in my mighty wisdom, know why you are complaining like a woman of aged stature,” Dan confronted the “American Hero”. “It is because you know you cannot possibly fathom the awesome manly power of my Saikyo style!”
“Is that so?” Kurt asked.
“That and you have no friends. OSHAA!!!”
While Dan taunted, Kurt threw down the microphone and clotheslined him.
[BIGGEST DORK TITLE MATCH]
“Angle starts off by flooring Dan with a vicious Clothesline!” J.R. yelled.
Dan Hibiki quickly recovered and, in a kneeling position, lashed out and kicked Kurt’s legs out from under him.
“And Dan responds by taking Kurt down with an awesomely devastating Leg Sweep!” Hiroshi cheered.
“An ‘awesomely devastating’...Leg Sweep?” Daisuke asked. “...Right.”
“YAHOOIE!!!” Of course, Dan took this time to taunt instead of capitalizing on his opponent’s temporary weakness.
That was a bad move.
The expert grappler shot up and locked his arms around Dan’s waist from behind.
“Whoa! Hello!” The Saikyo Master misinterpreted. “I am truly flattered, but the mighty manly Dan does not swing that Waaaaaaaahhh!!!”
Dan was interrupted when the Olympian Hero bent over backwards, lifting Dan into the air and causing his head and neck to impact on the mat...HARD!
“German Suplex!” J.R. yelled. “Kurt Angle delivers a devastating German Suplex on Dan Hibiki!”
“And he hasn’t let go!” Hiroshi observed.
“He’s hanging on like a pit bull!” Jim Ross said as Kurt lifted Dan into the air and slammed him into the mat yet again.
“Another one!” King yelped.
“Dan can’t possibly take more than that!” Daffy vehemently hoped.
But Kurt didn’t stop there. No, he held on delivered three more gut-wrenching German Suplexes before finally letting the battered Saikyo Master go.
“Five German Suplexes in a row,” Daisuke counted. “Impressive.”
“Oh my God,” April gasped in shock. “How can someone survive that?”
The man in salmon pink was left lying on his back, and writhing in pain only a moment before Kurt delivered a sick stomping kick to Dan’s forehead.
Dan grasped his face in pain and instinctively rolled over onto his stomach.
Another, but much more common, big mistake.
“WOOOOO!!!” Kurt yelled. “WHO’S TAUNTING NOW, HUH?!?”
Kurt kneeled down, grabbed Dan’s left leg, and began twisting his foot in a way not intended for normal human anatomy.
“Angle has the Ankle Lock locked in!” J.R. announced the crippling submission move.
Dan screamed in pain. It was an ear-piercing sound that could be heard from even the top row of the stadium’s seating.
“This is Kurt’s favorite submission hold!” Hiroshi yelled. “Will Dan tap out? Will he give up to stop the pain?!?”
“I would,” Daffy said. “Ouch.”
“TAP!!!” Angle demanded, savoring his opponent’s screams of absolute anguish.
With a grunt of pain, Dan managed to flip over onto his back and kicked Kurt in the face until he let go of the hold.
Kurt staggered backwards and felt his face for any tentative damage.
Using this momentary advantage, Dan made his way to the corner ring post.
“And Dan’s favoring that left foot,” J.R. said in surprise as Dan began to limp up the turnbuckles. “But he’s goin’ up top!”
“What amazing, high-flying move could he have planned for the Olympic gold medallist?” Hiroshi shouted.
“I bet he’s going up there just to taunt,” Daisuke monotoned.
“Dan-Super-High-Ultra-Special-Secret...” The Saikyo Master boldly announced while perched on the top of the ring post. “TAUNT!!!”
“Bad move there, Dan,” King laughed.
In a split second, Kurt noticed Dan’s position, he raced across the ring, literally ran up the ring post, grabbed a surprised Dan, and vaunted off the top, plucking the Pink Wonder from his perch and sending him flying.
“Woo-Hoo!” Daffy laughed as Dan’s body landed hard and skidded across the ring. “Enjoy your flight Danny-Boy?”
“Well,” Daisuke began. “Kurt may be a dork...”
“Dweeb,” Hiroshi added.
“Olympic Hero,” King objected.
“Nerd,” J.R. agreed.
“Success Obsessed Neurotic,” April observed.
“Money in the bank,” Daffy cackled gleefully.
“Call him what you will,” Daisuke continued. “You have to admit, Kurt’s a pretty good fighter.”
“He’s a World Class athlete, that’s for sure,” J.R. admitted.
Despite the pain, Dan stumbled to his feet as Kurt Angle stood ready for his next move.
“Certain Victory Trusting In Nobody But Myself Fist!!!” Dan yelled as he lunged forward pummeled his Olympian opponent with a series of martial arts punches that ended in a spinning uppercut.
At least, that’s what was supposed to happen.
Instead, during his very first punch, Angle grabbed his arm, using Pink Wonder’s own momentum to pull him across the ring, sending him into the ropes (This basic move is known as an Irish Whip).
Dan bounced off the elastic-like ropes and into the waiting arms of Angle, who again quickly grabbed him around the waist and flung him completely overhead and back down to the mat.
“An amazing Belly-to-Belly Overhead Suplex!” J.R. said. “As predicted, Kurt Angle is solidly in control of the match.”
“And he’s whooping ass too!” Daffy added, laughing.
“This environment is clearly made to favor the technical wrestling style of Kurt Angle,” April admitted.
“How is Dan able to take this kind of punishment?” King wondered.
“The strongest things about Dan are his determination...and his skull,” Daisuke answered.
“He’s got heart,” J.R. praised Dan’s effort. “That’s for sure.”
“Yeah, Dan!!!” Hiroshi cheered. “Never give up!!!”
“DAN DAN BOOT TO THE HEAD!!!” Dan Hibiki rebounded with his self-named flying kick, which sailed clear over Kurt’s head as the American grappler simply ducked.
Dan landed and turned to find his adversary at the opposite end of the ring, waiting for him to make another costly mistake.
Instead, Dan made an unexpected move.
“GADOKEN!!!” The Master of Saikyo thrust his arm forward and released a baseball-sized ball of blue energy.
“A ki projectile attack!” April shouted.
“This could be the attack that gives Dan the upper hand!” J.R. guessed.
“I seriously doubt it,” Daisuke said.
Kurt watched in horror...awe...confusion...utter boredom (Trust me, it had time to change), as the blue projectile floated about three feet, then fizzled out completely.
Angle wasted no time in racing to Dan, grabbing his left arm and leg, and hoisting him up on his shoulders. If the sadistic Olympian were to drop backwards now it would mean...
“The Angle Slam!” J.R. yelled.
“If Kurt manages to hit his finishing maneuver, it could be all over!”
In a last ditch effort, Dan struggled out of Angle’s grasp and landed in front of him. Instantly, Dan locked his arms around the waist of the Olympic Hero.
“Is Dan going for a Suplex?” King pondered.
“I don’t think so,” Daisuke knowingly said.
“OTOKO MICHI!!!” Dan yelled right before he exploded in a brilliant flash of pink light.
“OH MY GOD!!!” A shocked J.R., Hiroshi, and April screamed in horror.
“Oh relax,” Daisuke rolled his eyes.
When the smoke literally cleared, the battered and slightly singed fighters teetered on their feet in their torn and tattered costumes.
Kurt fell backwards and collapsed onto the mat.
The Well-done Wonder soon followed and unconsciously landed on top of Kurt Angle, effectively pinning the WWE Superstar.
“That’s not fair!!!” Daffy objected. “He cheated!!!”
“Your winner,” The Announcer proclaimed. “By a very unusual pin fall, Dan Hibiki!!!”
The crowd cheered for the Saikyo Master’s underdog victory.
“Which makes Kurt Angle the Universe’s Biggest Dork!!!”
In a flash of white light, a brown pleather weight belt appeared on Kurt Angle’s waist. The Dork Title had a bronze plaque with a goofy face and the word “LOSER” clearly engraved on it.
“You have to admit,” Daisuke as the EMTs ran down the ramp with stretchers for the charred competitors. “Dan took a gamble and got lucky. Kurt Angle seriously looked like he was going to win.”
“I don’t _have_ to admit that”, Daffy argued.
“I thought you liked Kurt,” April commented.
“That’s before I knew he was going to lose to a guy with a ponytail dressed in pink,” Daffy said as he slumped in his seat.
“Yeah!” Hiroshi cheered. “Go Dan! Now where’s my money?”
Daffy muttered something unintelligible as he handed Hiroshi his cash, but it would’ve been censored anyway, so it doesn’t really matter.
“I would like to take this opportunity to state that neither EMW nor any of its affiliates condone gambling in any way,” Daisuke stated.
“Nice try,” April smirked. “But you still owe me five bucks.”
“Fine,” Daisuke muttered as he fished the fin out of his pocket.
All of a sudden, an image appeared on the gigantic screen above the entrance stage.
“What’s going on?” Hiroshi asked.
* * * * *
To Be Continued…